This is a story, a story of truth, lies and half-lies and the other half I think are half-truths, all told in comic form. A story of hurt, shame, pride, lust, filth, joy, occasional political satire, and some say twisted humor. Some say otherworldly genius humor, and I happen to agree with the genius part. But that would be immodest, I guess. What ever happened to modesty… I guess it went out with Madonna, especially after the Sex book. Or that Lady Gaga nightmare when she did a Sharon Stone, expose-the-southerly-privates only to reveal a testicle. Man, I never lost my appetite so quickly. But I digress.
I decided you, the reader (notice the singular form), deserves a bio about each of the characters so you can expand your knowledge and broaden your universe. It’ll also come in handy when I give you a pop quiz. You could win a t-shirt, you know. So here goes, bios complete with physical and personal particulars.
Our Leading Man
His bio is in his own words — since he refused to let me edit his thoughts:
“Born in Francylvania, I was a shy lad, often deprived of the essentials, such as light and water. But after being abandoned by my parents due to debts incurred playing Go Fish with shady school children, I was left in the mountains and raised by wild goats for the first 6 years of my life. It taught me to love grass. But when the goats wouldn’t care for me anymore due to a conflict over grazing territory, they handed me over to a tribe of remote yet friendly gargoyles. An odd bunch they were, but loving and proud of their traditions, which involved wrestling inanimate objects like trees and rocking chairs.
Despite the lack of education, love, warmth and essential vitamins and brain stem-enriching fats, I feel I have overcome my difficult childhood and now only seek peace and contentment. That is, after I have had my bloody revenge on those who abandoned me as well as their friends, neighbors and especially that one goat who tried to mount me in the parking lot after a beer bender.”
Height: 5ft 6in (164 cm) on a good day with proper use of hair spray for a heightening effect
Weight: Approximately 200 lbs (88 kilos) if he has eaten his daily diet of grease, meat, and Black Forest cake soaked in booze
Age: We’re not sure. He had most of his personal documents falsified (including his duck hunting license) by a guy named “Manny” with a limp who hangs out near the photocopy machine at the convenience store, in order to scam all manner of government agencies so he can get all kinds of free money and be a slimy lamprey on society’s stomach (Frankly, I’m not sure if Manny or our leading man is the societal lamprey…)
Eye color: Light blue when he’s happy, bloodshot when he’s got a hangover, which is pretty often despite his wife having hid the key to the liquor cabinet in his Metamucil bottle. The bloodshot eyes get Photoshopped out most times as part of his contract to appear in the comic
Favorite foods: Pretty much anything if it’s made of meat, has butter all over it, or is made from petroleum products like Pop Tarts
Our Leading Boy
Unlike most children, our leading boy was brought into a world filled with lies, corruption and deceit. And then his mother came into the room and thankfully removed him from his devious father’s corrupting arms (the guy above). And then she who gave unto him life, then gave unto him hope, love and probably three square meals a day, and washed his clothes too. Our leading boy is a kind lad, an honest soul, which his father says are tremendous character flaws. He is mocked mercilessly at dinner by the elder male of the family and called “what’s yer face” in the presence of mixed company. The boy always challenges his father’s ways and words, like any good son. There is rebellion in this lad. And he dearly wishes his mother would sign the contract to appear in the comic, thus allowing for others to be the target of dad’s verbal and psychological abuse. But mother refuses. He is scarred.
Height: 5ft (150 cm) not counting when he wears a hat
Weight: Approximately 150lb (68 kilos) but he wears it well
Age: Probably 12 years old in human years, but dad falsified his son’s documents too, so your guess is as good as mine
Eye color: Light green, denoting his environmental zeal, and the fact that his father stuck his head in the microwave for 15 seconds on low when the boy was a baby thus altering his son’s DNA forever. It was on a bet at a poker game and dad was down $500 on the night.
Favorite foods: Italian, specifically Piedmontese, anything with basil and arugula, couscous with roasted vegetables, veggie quiche. Oh, and foot-long chili dogs with cheese (he keeps it a secret)
Sparky The Bear
This abandoned woodland creature came to the story in the second season of the comic that changed the world (well, my world at least). It was unexpected, but it was due to our main character’s having leveled the forest where Sparky lived. All part of a cockamamie plot to Live Off the Grill if you can recall that episode. (The CIA tries to suppress it.) He’s an easy going guy who just wants to hang, drink beer, smoke the odd joint and be at peace with nature. Or just watch a lot of sports in HD TV. When it comes to TV or food or politics, he’s not that picky, he’s just hairy. But don’t ever go into his weed stash, because he’ll maul you like a salmon swimming upstream and then go for a smoke.
Age: Probably 32 years old but he’s very coy about this. What’s he hiding anyway?
Favorite foods: Beer, pizza, freshly killed salmon, berries, any kind of potato food fried and with a coating of MSG or salt, hamburgers with bacon, pickles, medium smoked meat, tequila slammers, and chocolate ice cream (Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Therapy)
Mom / Grandma
Having been expelled from her seniors residence “El Casa de Merde” for using excessive profanity in mixed social situations, intentionally spiking the oxygen tanks with helium and argon, and reselling her medication, and that of other seniors in the home to a nearby high school for wayward Buddhist youth, she has landed at the doorstep of her family, that of her son and grandson with whom she often has a warm, yet somehow tenuous relationship. The warmth is probably a result of the gasoline she spilled around the house and then set alight with her cigar in the hopes of collecting some insurance money for an “accidental” fire.
Her true desire is to reconnect with her family and find a comfy place to bunk up while she plots how she can regain her wealth that was taken from her when she emigrated from the Olde Country, some 300 years ago. It was alleged in church documents and then substantiated much later through wood carvings and photographic evidence that much of that wealth was actually “liberated” from her husband’s fortune he made in badger furs to the local royalty. He was found mysteriously dead in his radish garden with a spade between his eyes, even though radishes gave him gas. His wife, a.k.a. Mom, denied any wrongdoing or involvement in his death stating “now I can afford a big Cadillac!”
Age: She was known to date the painter Rubens when she was a teen, and was seen fondling Robespierre’s butt at a dance in Paris one summer evening while on vacation, but given that she has been know to “cut” anyone who talks behind or in front of her back, we will leave this topic alone for now.
Favorite foods: Cigarettes, salted meats, cured meats, anything with sour cream, lollipops, fried foods, bacon, pickled beats, Diet Coke and vanilla wafers.