Since the summer arrived several weeks ago, and humidity of a nature best described as Vietnam hot box hot has descended upon my region of the world, flies and sleepless nights have coincided in a way that would suggest Mother Nature is having her period, or she is just mad at everyone for no good reason. I am mad at everyone for no good reason, largely because it’s an effective use of my time, and gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Not everyone can say that.
So the image used to portray this humidity-infused rage it really nothing more than a distraction to you, the reader, while I rifle through your wallet/purse/underwear drawer. However, I can say it is the atmospheric stickiness, and not the spilled honey stickiness, that really forced me indoors. And being forced to stay indoors, especially with my family, is a test of wills, defined as torture by the Geneva convention, the Shriner’s convention and the conventions of war, and last but not least, will lead me to immerse myself in a world of iPads, games and other such things that might need headphones, thus preventing an early death in the family.
Consequently, the humidity is also the fault of the USA or China. Or Both. Sino-U.S. readers of this comedic tome of complaints and complacency make up less than 1/10000th of the readership, so I can easily blame them for things that suit my needs. By the way, if I have 10,oooo readers, it’s because 9,999 are incarcerated as violent recidivist offenders and their punishment, apart from solitary confinement, involves being forced to read this sweeping series of commentaries on life and why it’s stupid and has no meaning.
I hear you asking quietly, what proof does he have that the Chinese and the USA are to blame for the never-ending waves of high pressure mixed with moisture and a cajillion mosquitoes that seem to know where I sleep, those sneaky little bastards? Let’s examine the evidence.
My ancestors were forced from what is Central / Eastern Europe decades and decades ago and they tried to emigrate to the USA. Some landed there, some elsewhere, some perished along the way, no doubt due to poor hygiene, no swimming abilities and a diet high in salt and cigarettes. If any of the traits exhibited by my various and sundry family members today were on display back then, probably at the dinner table where all the crap comes out, I wouldn’t put it pas the US government scientists, a large contingent of whom were ex-Nazis with excellent poker-playing skills (Nazis are great bluffers), to have created the weather condition known as “humidity” and unleashed it as punishment for the boorish behavior of my ancestors at many a restaurant up and down the east and west coasts of North America.
Conversely, if the Americans weren’t to blame, I am sure the People’s Republic of China had a hand in this humidity plague. Alluding again to my family’s behavior, it well conceivable that in the hundreds of pounds of beef and pork dried spare ribs, won ton soup, and flavorless chicken with cashews in oyster sauce they ordered over the years, they never once tipped the waiter enough for their incessant whining about there not being enough meat in the dumplings, or more likely, when one of them made gibberish noises and said “Hey everyone! I’m just like our waiter!” and then proceeded to pull at the sides of his eyes to make them more narrow, a.k.a. Asian-looking.
Thus a curse was unleashed upon all who dwell here in the summer, with weeks of unending waves of sticky hair and armpits not unlike the consistency of the sticky rice I ate the other night. And as we purchase more and more air conditioners to temper that weather plague called humidity, the Chinese manufacturers of said air conditioners laugh mightily at my expense, causing more hot air, causing for more purchases, enriching them until one of us drops dead from a diet with too much salt.
Logically and hysterically yours,
Friedrich Nietzche Leechy Nut Druker