I was watching the American news the other day. In between the earthquake in Nepal, the regular horrors in the Middle East, the Apple Watch, the beginning of spring and another stupid cat story, there was a vitriol-filled discussion in those states allegedly united and free, about gay marriage. And the right to ban it or allow it, or something with colourful cut flowers. I wasn’t paying attention too closely. All I do specifically remember was a gentleman with deep religious convictions and nigh-on perfect, bulletproof hair complaining about “cultural and societal permissiveness” and then some sausage commercial came on and I got a hankering for products high in salt and fat.
After the commercial ended, and I had time to think about the effects of religion and marriage, it was clear to me that I had discovered something very fundamental about the human race, across the entire earth and pretty much at any point in history. Using the trident-like prongs of logic, caffeine and a genetic code damaged by being left near the microwave as a child, I finally made the connection that neither science, nor religion, nor even Hollywood has dared to utter.
When humanity and organized society were in their infancy, we were exposed to, and most likely colonized by, a bunch of interstellar, gay, cross-dressing and/or transgender space aliens. I swear it’s true.
Before any of you readers who aren’t incarcerated call the cops on me or have me then hauled away by the men from the loony asylum, hear me out. But first down a jigger of gin or smoke some medical marijuana, or delve deeply into your arsenal of mood-altering medications, as it will make this highly rational and scientifically shaky justification that much more plausible.
Let me start with some facts. How many religions are there on the planet, both dead and living, that don’t or didn’t have major religious figures who were or are wearing something akin to a dress and with a lot of makeup? Let’s examine the facts, shall we?
The ancient Egyptians priests? A fashion show on the Nile. Buddhist monks and high priests? Flowing robes, dainty ankles, very bright colors and a hint of catwalk excess. Japanese royalty? Please, if that society wasn’t influenced by a bunch of marauding space alien fashionistas, I’ll eat my sushi roll cooked. Let’s not forget the Pope and his cassock. Somewhere in the Vatican there is a cabal of secret, hip-swishing Catholics with a taste for dress-making and gender-bending we really haven’t begun to comprehend. I certainly haven’t, and I am the one who came with this stupid idea.
We won’t even go down the path of other major and minor religions and societies.We certainly do not have to delve into the French wigs and heels to know the fashion-forward space aliens ran the French court back in the 16th century. I could go on for hours about the Brits, but really, just watch Little Britain and you’ll know that’s where the alien cross-dressing colony finally set down permanent roots.
Why the dress-up? Well, it is clear that alien designers, seamsters and seamstresses found it much easier to make a flowing dress than to go with a tailored 3-piece suit or a pair tapered slacks and sports jacket. There’s no fiddly inseam to worry about, and who needs a zipper? Heck, look at the Scots? Practical kilts have held up for centuries, perfect for keeping warm and for molesting unsuspecting sheep right in the Highlands, as it were. But I digress.
Am I trying to make this an ugly argument? Not at all. It’s just that these otherworldly fashionistas have been with us for so long, since cavemen days no doubt, that’s it’s pretty much a fact not worth fretting over. Yelling, screaming, protests, banners, vitriol. What for? Gay marriage? So what. Let them marry and suffer the indignities and cruelty of monogamy and forgetting your significant other’s birthday, and the subsequent hell there is to pay for said memorial omission. Let’s not forget permitting them to share the wallet-busting and infuriation of wedding planners. And figuring out what to serve at the dessert table and the f—ing font on the invitations. Enjoy!
Perhaps more chilling than this fact-laden argument I just presented is that no one in honest society is willing to admit is how the concept of marriage came about. The history behind it murky and twisted, but the aliens are behind it. Trust me.
Another race of interstellar, booty-seeking, rape-and-pillaging professional pirates came along after the cross-dressing spacemen had outfitted and tarted up our ancestors. Their race is ancient and fraught with strange languages and customs. It is insular and aggressive. They profit from the ills of humankind. Their name is whispered in night time stories to scare children to sleep. They are called “Lawyers.”
This second wave of spacemen used their superior powers of linguistic manipulation to convince us that pairing up under the guise of a religious or civil official (and buying a house and getting a mortgage) was key for societal cohesion and stability. But when the feces hit the fan, we now had to use their services to permanently solve marital distress — at $350 an hour, including $26.00 for a stamp to mail that subpoena.
Where do you think the term “legal alien” came from? They somehow convinced a jury of their “peers” that O.J. didn’t do it. They have special mental powers of obfuscation.
How does this clearly constructed set of arguments and facts related in any way shape or form to the comic above, that was cited in a recent edition of The Farmers’ Almanac as “only being useful for wiping out cow stalls and chicken droppings?” Give me a minute here while I pull something out of my derriere.
Ah, got it.
The universe is a strange place. Each has his or her own view of it, and everyone thinks they are right. They believe they are right, otherwise life would turn into a doubt-filled free-for-all like at Costco on a Saturday when you’re unsure whether to buy the 8kg block of cheese or the palette of condoms that’s on sale. We all have things we see as right and wrong. As sacred and profane. And in the end it doesn’t matter, because a) as my history teacher once said “I respect your opinion, but it is wrong” and b) the lawyers will win anyway because they made killing illegal.
3rd assistant to the Prelate of the Believers in Nothing, Jonny Dribbler