To the readers of this visual rag often used as shock therapy on societal deviants, or when printed on paper, as a resource for papier maché or to line bird cages and stuff walls as cheap insulation, please read on and hang on.
First of all, Happy New Year. As I write this, I am laboring under the nastiest of heads colds and sinus infections this side of the universe. If there were a pressure gauge to detect the pounds per square inch, or for the metrically inclined, bar (no, not an alcohol kind of bar, you Philistines), I could crush diamonds in my sinuses.
More importantly, please read the rantings, ravings and ramblings herewith written when I was in the kitchen after I had a mighty strong cup of coffee.
The Battle for Our iPads
There is a battle going on, one that none of us foresaw, one that could and may well shake the very foundations of democracy. Or dermatology. You see, I discovered either an unintended consequence or much more likely a dastardly cabal of a plot of a conspiracy not long after I got my iPad. Before you roll your eyes in derision and disbelief, go get a drink of something alcoholic, preferably several glasses worth, or take another mood enhancing pill, or sniff some glue. Then come back and you will see that what I am about to propose isn’t as preposterous as it seems.
Now that you have sufficiently impaired your judgment, I can reveal this evil plot unto you, much like the prophets of yore who often had the word of truth revealed unto them, usually after starving themselves for weeks, hiding out in a cave and subsisting on dates and dripping water, or getting hammered on a giant biblical bender, or they smoked some “magical healing herbs” and had some kind of weird dream.
Not so long ago, some health authorities in North America began preaching frequent hand washing as a way to prevent the spread of germs and microbes. “Wash your hands repeatedly”, they said, “otherwise death would come stalking at the pizza restaurant or meat counter.”
So, we as germophobe North Americans began the installing of hand sanitizers and soap dispensers at every possible corner and venue, to the point where airlines will give you free hand sanitizers but charge you extra for using the toilet. But there’s more to this crackpot theory. Not much, but enough to justify at least one or two more paragraphs, while I sip my coffee.
Simultaneously with this campaign of fear and sanitization, the iPad was introduced. Coincidence? Maybe, maybe not.
So what do the iPad and obsessive hand washing have to do with each other? If there is one thing I hate, and I am sure many other OCD and equally chemically imbalanced people do as well, it’s having a tablet screen, or a smart phone with filthy fingerprints and grease streaks all over it.
[Note to reader: My father is not among those who are troubled by filth on his screens or his glasses. In fact, he is the polar opposite. It’s a miracle he can see anything through his glasses or on his iPad as they are both covered with a layer of grease so deep and impenetrable that this filth slick has since been added to the accidents of the Exxon Valdez and the BP oil spill as long-term environmental disasters. But I digress.]
It’s so disgusting to see a screen like that, we can do two things to remedy this: 1) clean the screen every minute of every day, 2) we can wash our hands 24 times a day and rid ourselves of the natural oils we produce that keep our hands from cracking open.
Greece and Grease?
Ah, but therein lies the conundrum that has plagued mankind since the well documented and infamous lamb and chicken souvlaki salmonella outbreak of 538 B.C. that had rivers running brown and wiped out most of the Mediterranean trade and tourism for 6 weeks due to a questionable food stand next to the Acropolis managed by a hairy guy named George:
Do we wash our hands to make sure our tablet screens are grease and microbe-free, and then buy gallons, liters and vats of scented and unscented hand creams to a) keep the natural moisture balance nature intended us to have and b) keep the stock prices of Johnson & Johnson and Proctor & Gamble and Beiersdorf (makers of Nivea) at all-time highs? Or do we live with the grease and oil smears on these devices and pray we don’t misread our emails from the penis enlargement pill salesmen and click “Buy Now” accidentally (or just tell everyone it was an accident and take shipment wearing a hat and dark sun glasses)?
Plots, Cabals and Conspiracies – It’s True I tells Ya
Before you answer that with a swift and violent click of the Delete button and a review of your junk filter settings to block this site forever, consider this well validated fact: I was told by a guy I met at the doctor’s office renewing his anti-psychotic prescription, who heard it from his estranged lover, who knows a psychic out in L.A. named Shamu Xamu, who read somewhere on the Internet, that Steve Jobs used to smoke marijuana with the U.S. Surgeon General together with a bunch of nervous Jewish grandmothers concerned about their grandchildren’s dietary habits.
It is said Jobs had invented a tablet-like computer and a phone that showed up greasy finger stains and streaks like nothing else before, and that the users would become addicted to these devices like heroin with a cocaine chaser and possibly put off having sex with their significant others just to surf the Web and play Solitaire and buy crap on Amazon.
This cabal of Mr. Jobs, the Surgeon General and the nervous Jewish grandmothers saw a way to correct society’s ills and make a killing. They would convince the world subtly that these devices were indispensable, but at the same time, the unending smears and greasy finger marks would compel their addicted OCD users to wash their hands 34 times a day so the screens would be clean, yet as a result of the dry, oil-free hands, these addicts would be forced to purchase billions of bottles and tubes of hand cream and hand sanitizer to keep the balance of a clean screen and healthy, microbe-free hands in check.
Mr. Jobs, being the savviest of this twisted conspiracy, delivered unto us the iPad and iPhone, and simultaneously invested heavily, very sinisterly, in companies that manufactured these moisturizing and sanitizing agents. Then post-release of his hypnotic i-Devices, the uptick in hand cream sales soared. His wealth and power were virtually limitless. Then he died because of his vegan diet.
Not so crazy at it sounds, eh?
Churlish and girlishly yours,
Consuela the cleaning lady Druker