Tag Archives: literature

Editing Shortcuts

Stanko & Tibor - Editing Shortcuts

Dearest victims of domestic spying,

Having recently sweated profusely in the backyard, mowing and weeding and such, I came to several realizations.

1. I’m an environmentalist. But not the kind you think. Let’s look at the etymology of the word. We start with “environ” coming from the French, meaning approximately, around, the place not too far from my body where I live with a colossal, pain-in-the-ass weed bed for a backyard, various family members and neighbors. “Mental” comes from the Latin meaning not right in the head, several cards shy of a full deck, mucho nutty, cranially deficient, 1/2 cup shy of brain cells, or works for a large IT company. The last part “ist” is an adjectival ending stemming from Middle German verb “to be” that simply means is. Put them all together and you get the definition of environmentalist “Is cranially deficient and nutty in the head from mowing and weeding his backyard.” (I think I understand Büchner’s Woyzeck going nuts a bit more now.)

I am trying to become a radical environmentalist by letting the weeds take over, thus choking off the grass, thus promoting biodiversity and freeing me of the heinous task of mowing the damn lawn. Sure, our tomato plants will suffer for it, but that’s what a farmers’ market is for – to keep the farmers from starving to death by giving them my money to grow stuff I am too lazy to care for. Sure, some people actually enjoy being in the backyard mowing and weeding and landscaping and tending to it, but they aren’t environmentalists. They are just unwell.

2. Most bugs I have encountered are stupid. They annoy me, and I kill them. They reproduce, I attack them using a banned spray substance from the Vietnam war, they die, I cough and have blurred vision and CNS issues for an hour. Wash, rinse, repeat until the end of the summer. At least I avoid animal feces at all and any cost. They go right for it. Survival of the most reproductive, I’d say. Now I am starting to hum Monty Python’s “I like Chinese…”

3. I could never be a vegan, let alone a vegetarian. In a quest to extend their lives and be disease-free, and reduce the burden on the environment they do not eat meat and dairy products. I can barely get my head around the vegetarian thing, but OK, I can see if your doctor ordered you on pain of a monthly rectal exam, maybe you’d give up the reckless consumption of animal flesh. But being a vegan?

I have long since concluded without a shred of scientific proof (politicians, Fox News and religious zealots don’t use it, so why should I?) that the bitterest people are the ones who live the longest, especially if they are vegans. They are just plain mad at everyone for eating meat and dairy. What happens? They get so old from good health that they have to see more of humanity’s countless atrocities and stupidity (like this blog).

I am also scientifically and morally sure they are bitter and vengeful because a butter-laced, cholesterol-infused croissant with some kind of mysterious side meat — that according to the packaging is now “gluten free” — is off limits, all in the name of good health and moral superiority.

Can you imagine what would happen if we gave everyone in the world free chocolate and cinnamon danish and coffee? Apart from the gluten allergy people breaking out in a violent rash, thus enriching the cabal of dermatologists and ointment makers, I am sure world peace would break out along with the aforementioned rash. First smiles all around, everyone would have to drop their weapons because their hands would be sticky with danish goo, and then everyone would go into a food coma and take a nap. How is that bad?

I am not here to malign the vegans (probably because they will hunt me down and throw out my freezer of meats and then toss the butter and cheese and nuclear material-based cookies I tend to have a weakness for). I am merely here to point out that if I, me personally, were to switch to a vegan diet, I’d:

a) be crotchety,
b) no longer need a belt with so many notches,
c) live way too long and thus outlive my meager savings. I’d be healthy and poor. Worse, I’d deprive the medical-military establishment of a reason to come up with a cure for whatever disease I will acquire and therefore cause joblessness for many a scientist. Wouldn’t be responsible of me from a societal benefit point of view.

What does this very long rant have to do with the latest posting of the comic the ancient Greek philosopher Plato once said “was not fit to wipe up my tzaziki drippings with”? I’d be lying if I said it would have an effect on world poverty or something profound. But I don’t think it would be a big stretch to say I am now hungry for a cheeseburger.

Respectfully and regretfully yours,
Balthazar “The Belligerent” Druker



The Constipated Constable

Stanko & Tibor - The Constipated Constable

While exercising today as part of my regime to better my physical self, I saw a person whose physical attractiveness (and subsequent chances of procreation) could only increase during a city-wide blackout in the dead of a summer heat wave where consumption of alcohol is deeply implicated. Of course that is hallow and mean, but I did say I was trying to better my physical self, not my cranial or spiritual self. That takes a great deal of effort. My thoughts then turned to how easy it is to be mean and selfish and believing it’s part of human nature, part of the survival instinct.

However, we as semi-humans have the capability to act on ideas, such as altruism and doing good for the sake of good (and most likely to alleviate the intense and disturbing guilt from years of debauchery and sleeping around). That takes so much effort. Then again, on the side of evil, so does revenge. That’s not something you do on the spur of the moment. It too takes planning, just with “getting even” as the underlying motive.

There is a saying that “revenge is a dish best served cold” – I disagree. I was always told that soup Vichyssoise is best served cold. Or is that Gazpacho? Either way, I can’t see revenge being worse than a soup served cold. And did you notice that when they say revenge should be served cold, there is no talk of an appetizer? A salad with heavy ranch dressing maybe? Or perhaps a dessert? Nope, not a word. Just a main course. Probably overcooked with little seasoning or old garlic. Like British food.

Now, I know some of you are thinking that my mention of the word “revenge” would set me off on a diatribe, when in reality I don’t need to be on a diatribe, I need to be on a diet.  I have eaten so many Pop Tarts of late, it’s a miracle I’m still alive. That’s not even counting the countless sliced and grilled meats I have ingested since the summer started. And let’s not even mention the apple cake that my aunt made with what I would conservatively estimate was 11 pounds of butter and 12 pounds of sugar. Oh my, it was good.

So there will be no talk of revenge, unless it has to do with my arteries – they will surely want vengeance on me, and may well take it at an in opportune time, for example, when I am going up the stairs with a glass of port wine and lots of clean laundry, or more likely when I am desperately trying to convince my wife that several days of facial hair growth is not a true deterrent to a romantic evening.

But I digress. Why? Largely because of the intense heat that we were suffering through last week. Which I guess you could probably call a form of natural revenge in that mother nature is making us suffer through something akin to a volcanic eruption mixed with a steam room at a men’s club filled with sweaty older Caucasian gentleman who have thick gold chains and enough body hair to make a winter coat resembling that of a chinchilla.

What does any of this have to do with the latest posting of Stanko and Tibor, the comedic oracle that was once described in a Biblical commentary as having been partially responsible for causing the great flood as well as several wars between the ancient Israelites and the Assyrians due to its questionable content and poor style and penmanship? Not that much actually. But the insanity of heat, the insanity of steam rooms, of war, of this weather we are going through all remind us that nothing really is that logical unless you want it to be logical so it fits into your universe and makes going to sleep a little bit easier. Or just get an air conditioner to cool off your place of residence so you can sleep much more easily. That is much simpler than reading this comic.

Swimmingly yours,
King Triton of the Mermaids and Mermen Druker