It is with massive fanfare, blaring trumpets, and great pleasure that I announce the winners of the Stanko & Tibor “Provide Me With A Caption So I Don’t Have To Think Of One” Contest.

But before I do, I want to thank the judges who worked so dutifully by my side throughout the intense and lengthy process of deliberation. Throughout difficult discussions, raised voices, pints of beer, fist-shaking arguments and the occasional nap, we stood as one and found our winners. Who were those handsome, powerful, deep-thinking, brilliant (and some would even venture to say sexy if the lighting was just right) judges?

Simple: Me, myself and I. When I asked for help, the response I got was “I’d rather personally spay my cat and then go for oral surgery than help you.” So it was just me, myself and I who took on the Herculean task of judging the qualified entries. (Now a number of you are thinking, “does he have multiple personalities? And should he be allowed out in public without a chaperone?” Honestly, if you haven’t figured that out by now, you don’t know me, or you really haven’t been paying attention. Not an uncommon occurrence.)

As I sifted through the thousands of submissions… Ok, hundreds. Ok, ok, tens. All right! It was less than 10. Where was I? Right, the submissions for the comic. Indeed I did have a good mental chew on these fine suggestions, and I came to the conclusion that the three in particular stood out, so here are the winners:

1st Place: Mr. E. Zeitz for his timely, politically inspired ” ..if only I hadn’t fired 47% of my crew…” Had it not been for Mr. Romney’s most talked about gaffe, Mr. Zeitz might still be in his basement pondering on a caption. Hailing from a small Mid-Western town, Mr. Zeitz’s day job as a carpet layer has exposed him to many industrial solvents and glues, thus freeing up his mind to explore the deepest reaches of absurdity. In fact, the slogan printed on the side of his truck “I can tear up or lay your carpet in under 15 minutes” has been quoted in numerous legal cases as being “offensive on so many levels” and led to a short stint in a Mexican jail. Congratulations Mr. Zeitz!

2nd Place: Ms. K. Sutton for her historical re-enactment theme “I’d rest my leg on the side of the boat like George Washington but this ain’t the Delaware and I don’t have any Jockeys under this raincoat.” Ms. Sutton’s extensive and some would say upsetting fascination with men’s underwear and historical figures gave this particular entry a flair that many soon won’t forget. Even with shock therapy. Ms. Sutton was also suffering from being sat next to a crying baby and a corpulent yodeler while in Coach on U.S. Airways, and then subsequent suffering from jet lag and a Halloween candy sugar shock overdose at the time just before this submission, so she can be excused for her irrational behavior.

3rd Place: Mrs. K. Nellen for her near Woody Allen-esque complaining rant “How long to I have to stand here in this ridiculous outfit, just to wait for someone to drop me a line? Just because the cartoonist extraordinaire is taking an extraordinaire break and can’t think of a proper line himself. I bet you it’s gonna rain soon.” After being released from the New Bedfordshire Home For the Criminally Insane largely on a legal technicality that the lawyers say you need to have a habeas corpus to prove it was she who whacked her three previous husbands, Mrs. Nellen sought to turn her unfulfilled penchant for baking and sewing into a comedic career by supplying punchlines and captions at discount prices. This led her to Canada, where she spends her time caring for two possibly demonically possessed children, a neurotic, mildly Napoleonic husband whose self control with regards to cookies has been described in medical journals as “off the charts”, as well as various and sundry guests from aboard who like to mooch.

So you three winners can claim your prize by going to http://www.cafepress.com/stankotibor, choosing the article you wish, clothing, water bottle, iPad case, towels, posters, you name it and then letting me know what you want and I will have your caption printed on said chosen item – and shipped to you, no less.

Thank you to the others who participated in the contest, and to those of you who didn’t – I’ve got you in my black book.

Forever yours,
Viceroy Druker of the Hills