What Happens to a Cast of Characters…

What happens to a cast of characters in a month, eh? Well, it turns out, quite a lot. It seems much has transpired in the seedy and dark world where our characters reside. Many of those things really are too horrible to describe here in this space, so I’ll spare you the gory details.

The shock at seeing his download bill for "adult" films
Upon seeing his download bill for "adult" films

Who am I kidding. If I don’t expose these foul characters for what they have wrought on society, religion and the environment,  I am just as guilty for not revealing their crimes.  And dark, dastardly deeds they be.

The Foul Father

It seems our leading man, the Father of All Things Unseemly, exceeded his monthly cap for downloads to the tune of $8,304.52 for numerous XXX-rated films — all in Hi Def of course — and then claimed them as educational items on his tax return. It turns out the tax authorities do not consider “The Postman Always Licks Twice”, “Womb Raider”, “Throbin Hood (Prince of Beaves)”, “Breast Side Story”, “Spankenstein”, “White Men Can’t Hump”, “Blowjob Impossible” or “Shaving Ryan’s Privates” as educational material, even if he was going to sell illegal copies to inmates at the local prison as well 8 of the male teens at St. Judas High School for the Very Catholic as methods for teaching safe sex. While his intentions were only well-meaning, he erred by using his wife’s credit card, and she happens to check her statements. When queried about the massive charges by his wife, he naturally blamed the baby sitter and his son, but to no avail.

His appointment at tax court is set for June 17th. His appointment for therapy follows shortly thereafter. All of which presupposes he will have physically healed from the beating he received from said wife that left him two dislocated eyes and a small wound at the top of his head from a Wolfgang Puck heavy gauge cast iron frying pan (purchased at 50% off at Winner’s), which has been used mostly to prepare fried chicken and pancakes.

The Sanctimonious Son

Our sweet yet holier-than-thou young boy character, he of the school of doing good, being kind to small injured animals and saving the planet from his largely deranged father, has spent most of the last month glued to the TV playing video games, when not at school or sleeping.

Addicted to Vids
Addicted to Vids and Loving It

It seems our trusty lad has a small video game addiction, not unlike that of a heroin/crack cocaine addict, however in this case, he only sells his father’s dirty magazines and accumulated “adult” magazines to his friends at school in order to pay for the latest games and the membership for the online community for World of Warcraft. Oddly, the boy has taken the character of an androgynous, three-armed mage, who casts spells using a pink wand and cheer-leading pompoms.   His parents are suitably concerned. And his father calls him “loser”, “sissy pants” and “Ronald” at the dinner table to try and help the boy’s self-esteem.

Our boy will triumph in the end however, as he has all the passwords to dad’s computer, various Swiss bank accounts and he knows where dad stashed the gold he stole from the heist back in World War II. But that’s another story for another time.

Safe to say, he is resourceful, cunning and not above using the garage in their home as his father’s retirement home one day in the not so distant future. Remember, one tap on the pipes for liquids, two taps  for solids, and three for going to the bathroom or requesting toilet paper.

Sequestered Sparky the Bear

He hasn’t been seen much lately, our woodland, hairy friend. And for a good reason. It revolves around a drug deal gone bad, some drug enforcement agents, some time spent as a paid informant, and a temporary spell in the witness relocation program, thus a name change was in order. Allegedly, Sparky went under the name Martin Sheen, which wasn’t successful, and was then renamed to Kittipong Kanchanawat-Schmidt, which alleviated all suspicion while he lived in small town Oklahoma, however, he had a devil of a time trying to get a credit card without a valid credit history. Eventually, Visa was willing to give him a card with $50,000 of credit at 37% interest.

Where is Mr. Sparky?
Where is Mr. Sparky?

Having ratted out the top 5 mafioso in New Jersey and subsequent Mexican drug lords, plus his own cousin for tax evasion and polygamy, he has returned to the sleepy burg where he lives with with our hideous gargoyle-esque friends, awaiting the day the forest behind the house grows back to its original splendor so he can finally move back to his natural habitat and his heated cave with stolen cable TV and a bar fridge stocked with booze, pickled salmon, Mars bars, a huge bag of B.C. bud, and an ancient box of baking soda.

Postscript

It should be noted that as the cartoonist in charge of this cast of characters, I am somewhat behind on my drawing tasks for my beloved comic. It’s largely die to overwork, and a side project for my cousin’s son that will be nothing short of brilliant. I am busily cartooning away to have it ready in time for the big celebration in April. It needs some post-production, some printing, some framing and then it will be all ready for presenting to the boy.

So stay tuned and and I promise to have something juicy for you that will make fun of some important event, however, will not make light of nuclear meltdown in Japan. That is some bad s**t.


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