Tag Archives: stamina

Credit Races

Dear Darting-Eyed Readers,

Having just finished a workout at the gym last week, it was time to take a shower, which meant I had to deal with the fact that science has again failed me. Why? Because modern beauty product scientists haven’t come up with a way that I can clean myself without using water? No, I like taking a shower with water, it’s a place for me to sing off-key and wash away my many sins.

No, science has disappointed me because it still hasn’t found a way for me to hover in mid-air. No, not so I can smash my so called enemies from above. Enemies that my doctor says are purely imaginary. But what does he know. He’s against me, as are the squirrels and raccoons who tear my garbage bags apart. And the weeds in my garden are definitely my enemies. And he says I need help.

Where was I? Ah, the useless scientists. You see, I would need this ability to hover for one place above all – while using the gym shower / bathroom. Are there any places more athlete’s foot-ridden and smelly than a gym bathroom and shower? Well, maybe the floor of a strip club, but I don’t frequent those places since the shock therapy. If we all could float above the filthy bathroom floor on command, athlete’s foot would be cured and the evil, profiteering cabal of the podiatrists and the oligarchic foot cream producers would be smashed. And think of the benefits when your child / pet vomits and you wouldn’t have to touch the ground. Just glide right over it and let your robot vacuum cleaner clean up the spill.

Oh wait, the low IQ scientists haven’t mastered that either.

So, it is with deep disappointment in mankind, specifically the scientists, that I bring you this installment of the handcrafted “objet d’art” that the secret police in China would have imprisoned me for, despite the fact that I eat a lot of Chinese food. It’s about reality – financial reality more accurately, and no matter what happens, the banks and credit card companies will always win because we humans (me) love to buy stuff. Or have to have our bathrooms renovated thus enriching the interior decorators’ union yet again. There will always be debt, and we need to stay fit to stave off its weighing-down effect.

Or maybe, those lazy scientists could make themselves partly useful and invent a way to make the debt go away. And I don’t mean resorting to modern pharmacology.

Everlastingly yours, until the men in the white coats come,

Feng Shui Druker

Tradeoffs

The days of summer are still here if you judge it by how often I have the air conditioner running. Steamy, sticky weather mixed with the much needed rain(storms) to quench the dry grass and wilting herbs around my house. If that isn’t summer, I don’t know what is. Well, I don’t know what summer really is, say, in Japan or Argentina. But that is because I don’t pay attention to things unless they are brightly colored, animated, or have something chocolate-like covering it.

So what should we pay attention to, if I may segue clumsily from one thought to the next without an editor present to rap me on the top of the head with a ruler? Maybe we should pay attention to the little things in life like the smile of a young child or a good night’s sleep and value those things so that we can look back on them and inform others of their worth.

But if that is too much work — and frankly, given the heat and humidity of the past few days and my aching back from a swollen belly filled with fatty and sugary foods ingested at a pace that would give night terrors to the Weight Watchers society — work is the last thing I want to do right now. But I digress.

This episode of the comedic Caravaggio spread via electronic bits and bytes designed to tickle your fancy presents us with the age old question of youth vs. wisdom and which one would you choose in arm wrestling match. No, wait, which one would you want more of if you get extra portions of it for free, like with a free coupon. And I have no definitive answer because that takes a lot of time and thought, and the TV is on as I write this. But I do know I have made a lot of mistakes in my youth and haven’t repeated them as I have aged. Mostly because I have no energy.

So whether your wish is for more wisdom from the teachings of the sages, or enhanced youth through modern medicine and lots of exercise and sleep, know this — it will take away time from TV watching and eating greasy cheeseburgers, so weigh your thoughts carefully.

Hugs and kisses and sweet dreams.

Horatio Hornblower Druker